Who knows you?

I wrote some time ago that who you know isn't nearly as important as "Who Knows You". Seth Godin wrote today about something else... "Who trusts you?"

So, if trust is important, it begs the question... what is it that has people trust other people? There are probably many factors that go into the formula of trust, people have written whole books about trust, but I would say there is one over arching principle that is the foundation of trust, the entry level from which all other trust factors are built and I can say it in one word.

Integrity

I could write a whole chapter on integrity because I have studied it in some depth and it has become such an integral (no pun intended) part of how I choose to live my life but in short, the definition of integrity I live by is: "Honouring Your Word".

When people know that they can count on my to walk my talk, to do what I said I would do, their level of trust goes up. This shows up numerous ways every day and I find that I have many opportunities every day to increase my level of trust ( or not ).

I also find that when people in my life don't do what they said they would do that my level of trust for them sometimes goes down depending on how they are about it. It doesn't mean that I love them less, or think less of them. I just means I trust them less. When translates into, I don't count on them as much and when they say something, I don't rely on the validity of what they say as much... in short, I don't make decisions for myself based on what they say.

Why is that important? Because human beings live in stories, we make decisions based on stories, and people who can tell stories well can influence other people and can in turn make a real difference for other poeple. And to be a good story teller, one that can make a difference, one whose stories are believed and can make a difference for others, people need to trust you. Because people listen to people they trust... people talk to people they trust and people do business with people they trust.

All things are transitory

Zen philosophy teaches that all things are transitory.

As human beings evolved our brains developed to take advantage of the slow rate of change relative to our lifespan. We talk of fear of change, like as if there is some alternative to change. Consider that the world we live in is constantly in change.

As I write this, the only thing I can think of that doesn't change, is information. The words that I am writing in this post will never change. The 1's and 0's that make up a digital photograph will never change. The notes that make up Beethoven's 5th will never change. But these are not "things" in the strictest sense of the word. The physical manifestations of them (a printed page, a printed photo, the musical score) are subject to change.

The experience of "no change" is something that we make up, something that our mind makes up. It is a survival mechanism. If I am alive now, then if I keep doing what I am doing, I will stay alive.

Honouring Teenagers

I was in a meeting with someone the other day who said talked about how their 17 year old child was so annoying to live with. Apparently this child is rude, messy, bossy, selfish, knows everything, has no consideration for others... is annoying. Then they went on to say, "She's a typical teenager. The're so disrespectful these days."

It struck me how simple it is for people to write off a whole segment of the population to justify the behaviour of their one child and avoid responsibility for how that child operates in the world. The message is, 'it's not anything to do with my child... all teenagers are like that".

I couldn't agree less. It's been my experience that teenagers are wonderful amazing people and I value the relationships that I have with so many of them (including the teenager in question above). In fact, I don't know a single teenager that fits the above description, and yet sometimes we adults paint this segment of the population with this brush. Unfortunately, this sort of lore, like the slams against racial segments tends to stick and be used by people looking for a way to be right.

I am tired of hearing how bad teenagers are. I say let's stop talking about "the way teenagers are" and just treat them like people... like we would want to be treated.

My friend Dar wrote about this very thing over a year ago. I missed it since I didn't know she had a blog at that time. I do now.

Thanks for tweaking my memory Dar.

Your Word

Your word is the single most powerful tool you have to generate the results you want in your life.

You can either honour your word, through thoughtful communication, being clear and straight, doing what you said you would do, and cleaning it up when you don't, OR, you can blurt out what ever thought enters your head, waste peoples time with nonsense, make promises and not keep them, and when you don't... pretend the promise didn't happen.

Honouring your word gives your word power. When people know they can count on you they treat you differently, they trust you, things can happen at a much higher velocity.

And, that's not even the best part. When you honour your word, you trust yourself more, you count on yourself more, you start to get a sense of what's possible through communication alone.

Seth Godin recently wrote Seth's Blog: Precision in language short riff about a writer's use of language. It's not that the writer is wrong, or bad, it's just that it's a waste of time. It doesn't move the conversation forward. And that's just not as powerful as it could be.

The Science of Possibility

Just in case you haven't already watched this movie I thought I would post the link to "What the Bleep Do We Know". It's a very interesting look into possibility from the perspective of quantum physics and it is amazingly entertaining as well! I am a big believer in possibility, in the power of choice, and the idea that there is no past no future only now. Check it out.

Love is the Killer App

I read this book back in January, and wanted to write a review but didn't. Some of the thoughts keep coming up for me so I wanted to just write a few words about it.

First, I thought the book was good. Not great but good. I would recommend it but there are a lot of other books that I would recommend first. Why? I felt that it didn't have as much meat as I usually like to have in this sort of book.

Now, what do I mean by "This sort of Book"? Good question. By the title it's a bit difficult to figure out what the book could be about. It could be about Love and relationships, it could be about computing, it could be about business. It turns out, its about all of those things.

It's about Karma. It describes and promotes a way of life, a philosophy, that the author has used to propel his career and his life in general to new heights. What he proposes is essentially to read a lot, read books thoroughly, marking them up (a practice that I have yet to try) with your own notes, and then if you like them, spreading the word on what the book said.

He says, to get into the practice of sharing, being authentic and learning as much as you can about your subject of choice, through reading and conversing with other people and then sharing everything you know, unreservedly with whoever you think might benefit from it. It's a very generous way of living and to me, quite appealing.

He says that if you make this a practice, people will notice and will come to see you as the one who spreads the love and the knowledge around. You become the glue, the one that people want to work with because of your knowledge, generosity and authenticity.

Like I said, it's a good book, I would recommend it. The title's a bit strange IMHO, but hey, it got my attention and that's what great titles do.

Children are People Too

I have a lot of trouble with adults who treat children with any less respect or positive regard than they would treat another adult, like they are lesser beings, like they don't deserve the same respect as other people.

Is there a word for discriminating against children?

We have a responsibilty to provide clothing, food and shelter and keep them safe from harm, to help and teach them and to be there for them when they need our help. We can teach them about responsibility, discipline, respect and consideration for others and we can teach them how to take care of themselves financially, emotionally and physically.

Yes, we temporarily know more than our kids. We are temporarily bigger and stronger than they are. But we don't have the right to control and/or manipulate them.

I hear parents telling kids that they are rude and disrespectful if they don't conform to the right set of manners at the dinner table. Seems to me that trying to force kids to do what you want them to do, the way you want them to do it, is a tad rude.

I see parents warning kids about consequences of their actions - like "if you spend all of your allowance on candy you wont have any to buy that toy" - and then bailing them out effectively robbing them of a real world learning opportunity.

I see parents getting angry with their kids because the child questions the adult's authority and then acting as if getting angry with them is OK because it was the child's fault. What's wrong with questioning authority?

This type of behaviour is draconian. It may be a leftover from how some of these parents were treated when they were children. Thankfully we weren't all treated this way. Why would you treat your own child with any less respect than you would a co-worker or a friend? I don't know.

I came accross this quote a couple of weeks ago. I like it. I couldn't find a web site with a clean posting (without some site problems and with the credit to the author) of this so here it is:

When we adults think of children there is a simple truth which we ignore: childhood is not preparation for life; childhood is life. A child isn't getting ready to live; a child is living.

Children are constantly confronted with the nagging question: "What are you going to be?" Courageous would be the youngster who, looking the adult squarely in the face, would say, "I'm not going to be anything; I already am." We adults would be shocked by such an insolent remark, for we have forgotten, if indeed we ever knew, that a child is an active, participating and contributing member of society from the time of birth.

Childhood isn't a time when a pre-human is molded into a human who will then live life; the child is a human who is living life. No child will miss the zest and joy of living unless these are denied by adults who have convinced themselves that childhood is a period of preparation.

How much heartache we would save ourselves if we would recognize children as partners with adults in the process of living, rather than always viewing them as apprentices. How much we could teach each other; we have the experience and they have the freshness. How full both our lives could be.

The children may not lead us, but at least we ought to discuss the trip with them, for, after all, life is their journey, too.

From Notes on an Unhurried Journey by John A. Taylor. © 1991

Getting what you want

I am a freedom freak. I thrive on freedom and flexibility. When choosing, I like to keep my options open where possible. And, like most people, I don't like being manipulated. Given that, what do you do if you want someone to do something? For many people the tools of manipulation are the tools of choice. Guilt, intimidation, bullying and talking-down-to are common tactics and the result is often resentment, resignation and loss of power.

There is a better way. In fact, there are many better ways. Here are just two.

1) Make a request
The single most effective way to get what you want from someone else, is to ask for it. There is no substitute for clear communication and making an honest request for something by clearly stating what you would like, without any fluff or justification or manipulation is your best bet to get what you want. The difference between a request an manipulation is that with a request the person you are making the request of feels free to choose whereas with manipulation there is this subtle or not so subtle feeling that comes with the words that let the user know that not giving you what you want is not okay. One way to tell if you are actually making a request is whether or not you are satisfied with either a "no" or a "yes" answer. If you ask someone to do something for you for which they say "no", and you are upset or have a feeling of resentment... that's manipulation. If you ask someone to do something and they say "no" and you can honestly say, "Okay, great. Thank you for considering it", that is a clean request.


2) Make it a better deal
Another effective way to get what you want is to make it a better deal. If you want another person to do something, think about it from their perspective. Put yourself in their shoes, so to speak, and imagine, "what's in it for them?" If you can tweak your requirements or add something or take something away so that the resulting offer is something that they can clearly benefit from you have a much better chance of getting what you want. So, for example, you tell people that you would like to switch the company policy manual from three ring binders to a wiki, and you explain how once on the wiki people will be able to contribute freely and concurrently and not only that, they can subscribe and be notified of any updates automatically... that creates a compelling feedback loop for them. It's easier for them to have software notifying them of the latest changes in policy than to have stuff filling up their inbox. It's a better deal.

There is no good reason that I can think of to try to force people to do what you want. People naturally resist being forced to do things. You can always find a way to offer what you want and allow people to choose freely from a number of options. And given a free choice, people will often want to help you.

Manipulation is a relic of the past. Collaboration, cooperation, shared vision will lead us to a more productive future. You stand a much better chance of getting what you want by speaking clearly and enrolling others rather than attempting to manipulate them.